Monday, September 15, 2014


The hardest time for me to live in or to exist in is when I am in transition. It is at these points I don't really know who I am, or what I should be doing with myself. I don't know my responsibilities, and I don't know what I need. I am never happy in these times of shift, because I feel like I lack a sense of control that guides me through my life.

I used to hate some aspects of summer vacation as I got into high school, because I began to realize that, because of this transitional period I didn't know what to do with myself. I used to lock myself up in my bedroom and read for most of the summer. I didn't know what to do with the amount of freedom that I had, especially knowing that I would only have it for a short time.

My mom, like any other normal diligent mother, would fuss over how I had become so lazy during the summer months. I didn't know then, but I realize now that, it wasn't because I wanted to be lazy, I just didn't know how to deal with this odd time between school years. This place, where I wasn't any school year designation, of freshman or sophomore, but just a kid. Where I didn't have assignments to guide my day, only my own wants and desires to lead me.

I was also knew that this time of freedom would only last for a few weeks, and then I would again be bound by the outlines of school participation. I didn't want to commit myself to something, because I knew that if it took more than a couple of weeks, then it would have to be abandoned for my studies. My limited high school kid funds meant that I didn't really go out much, and I had become bored and disinterested in child's play. I was in limbo, a place of transition, and I didn't know how to deal with that space I had found myself.

It is this concept of transition, or coming of age that probably promotes so many books and movies on the topic. The thing is though, teens aren't the only people who have to face the uncertainty of transitional phases in life. This comes to all of us, and this may be why adults are so often attracted to youth fiction, but that thought is a side note. We are all of us growing and changing all of the time. I am passed my teen years, but find myself in the in-between place of transition again. We may see others who are older than us as being more stable, less changing, but even the elderly who have seen so much of life and appear to us to be a rock of stability, are in their own kind of flux.

These last few months have been a steady realization that I am again faced with this concept of change and transition. I am here in this place that isn't quite here or there. I have obtained many of the goals I have wanted as an adult, but am in a holding pattern before I am move on to other goals. It has been hard to feel productive, and in control during this time of uncertainty. I feel like I am done with the work, or activity of the past and wish to move on to the next phase of my life, but things are not coming together yet to make that possible.

It is difficult. Just like any teen novel, I don't want to be who I was in the past, be it a child or a young adult, I want to move on to being the next version of myself. I am tired of child's play, but I don't have access yet to the adult world. It is increasingly frustrating, and more disheartening than any other place in life I could be in.

I usually know what times of year can make me depressed, and are prepared to deal with them, but this transitional phase of life has come upon me unexpectedly, messing things up and causing me to sag under emotional uncertainty at this change in life. I wish constantly that the transition would just be over, and I can move on instead of being stuck half way between two places. I try as best as I can to do what I am able to, to move things along, but there is not much more that I can do. I just have to wait, and I hate waiting.

All of this emotional baggage has been affecting my work. It is probably why last week I destroyed that piece I was working on. It is difficult to work on things that make you happy when you are feeling so mixed up and confused inside.

I need to just fix what I can and move on. Just because I don't have complete control over my life doesn't mean I don't have control over myself. These emotions don't have to control me. It is always a choice to be happy, as hard as it sometimes it is to make that choice, it is still a choice. Maybe by constantly choosing to be happy it won't be so hard to do so later on. Then I can go back to making good art work again, instead of the sad crappy stuff.

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