Monday, September 15, 2014


The hardest time for me to live in or to exist in is when I am in transition. It is at these points I don't really know who I am, or what I should be doing with myself. I don't know my responsibilities, and I don't know what I need. I am never happy in these times of shift, because I feel like I lack a sense of control that guides me through my life.

I used to hate some aspects of summer vacation as I got into high school, because I began to realize that, because of this transitional period I didn't know what to do with myself. I used to lock myself up in my bedroom and read for most of the summer. I didn't know what to do with the amount of freedom that I had, especially knowing that I would only have it for a short time.

My mom, like any other normal diligent mother, would fuss over how I had become so lazy during the summer months. I didn't know then, but I realize now that, it wasn't because I wanted to be lazy, I just didn't know how to deal with this odd time between school years. This place, where I wasn't any school year designation, of freshman or sophomore, but just a kid. Where I didn't have assignments to guide my day, only my own wants and desires to lead me.

I was also knew that this time of freedom would only last for a few weeks, and then I would again be bound by the outlines of school participation. I didn't want to commit myself to something, because I knew that if it took more than a couple of weeks, then it would have to be abandoned for my studies. My limited high school kid funds meant that I didn't really go out much, and I had become bored and disinterested in child's play. I was in limbo, a place of transition, and I didn't know how to deal with that space I had found myself.

It is this concept of transition, or coming of age that probably promotes so many books and movies on the topic. The thing is though, teens aren't the only people who have to face the uncertainty of transitional phases in life. This comes to all of us, and this may be why adults are so often attracted to youth fiction, but that thought is a side note. We are all of us growing and changing all of the time. I am passed my teen years, but find myself in the in-between place of transition again. We may see others who are older than us as being more stable, less changing, but even the elderly who have seen so much of life and appear to us to be a rock of stability, are in their own kind of flux.

These last few months have been a steady realization that I am again faced with this concept of change and transition. I am here in this place that isn't quite here or there. I have obtained many of the goals I have wanted as an adult, but am in a holding pattern before I am move on to other goals. It has been hard to feel productive, and in control during this time of uncertainty. I feel like I am done with the work, or activity of the past and wish to move on to the next phase of my life, but things are not coming together yet to make that possible.

It is difficult. Just like any teen novel, I don't want to be who I was in the past, be it a child or a young adult, I want to move on to being the next version of myself. I am tired of child's play, but I don't have access yet to the adult world. It is increasingly frustrating, and more disheartening than any other place in life I could be in.

I usually know what times of year can make me depressed, and are prepared to deal with them, but this transitional phase of life has come upon me unexpectedly, messing things up and causing me to sag under emotional uncertainty at this change in life. I wish constantly that the transition would just be over, and I can move on instead of being stuck half way between two places. I try as best as I can to do what I am able to, to move things along, but there is not much more that I can do. I just have to wait, and I hate waiting.

All of this emotional baggage has been affecting my work. It is probably why last week I destroyed that piece I was working on. It is difficult to work on things that make you happy when you are feeling so mixed up and confused inside.

I need to just fix what I can and move on. Just because I don't have complete control over my life doesn't mean I don't have control over myself. These emotions don't have to control me. It is always a choice to be happy, as hard as it sometimes it is to make that choice, it is still a choice. Maybe by constantly choosing to be happy it won't be so hard to do so later on. Then I can go back to making good art work again, instead of the sad crappy stuff.

Thursday, September 11, 2014


Things have always come easy to me. I was one of those advanced learning students in school, and for the most part physically proficient. I always had good grades even when I didn't try, and I was pretty good at most sports. For the most part learning and gaining skills has been quite easy for me.

This has, sadly, been something that has held me back sometimes. I guess things being easy has lead me to become lazy. Since, I really didn't have to try in school, I just don't have the patience to practice things that I am not naturally good at. I give a half hearted try, because that is what worked on everything else in the past and then lose interest if things are just naturally easy to do.

All of this has given me a rather horrible work ethic. I end up being like that sad little child, who gives up because they just weren't any good the first try at something. I also can get complacent and bored over things that were too easy. The work just doesn't seem worth it, because it doesn't really require much of me. I have just taken up hobbies that sit right in the middle, things that I don't really have to try too hard on, and things that aren't too easy.

This has also lead to weird work habits. If things are too easy, and I don't use up enough of my attention I end up doing multiple things at the same time. People in school used to think it was odd that I would have so much going on while I would work on projects. I would have an audio book, or a movie playing on my desktop while working on my computer projects. At home I play games while watching television. My brain doesn't like being idle so I have to do more than one thing at a time to keep it busy.

When I do my art I like to have at least one other thing going on simultaneously. This has become an adaptation I have had to make to keep myself on task. I have learned that if something is tedious, or difficult, or just not the kind of work that I want to be doing, all I have to do is distract my brain from the fact that I am working on stuff that it doesn't really care for.

This multi tasking may seem distracting or odd to others, but it is how I have learned to function. We all have handicaps of some sort. Even when each person around us may seem to have some skill or advantage that we feel we are lacking in our own lives, we have to realize that they are having their own personal struggle.

Not everyone struggles in the same way that I do, and though I may look at professionals that I admire because of their drive and passion for something, they have their own struggles they deal with. We all have to find solutions to our own problems.

I have been having trouble with a piece this week. I had a great idea but my lack of drive and my own laziness left my work lacking. I thought it was going to be easy and I could have it done quickly. I blew through the work thinking I didn't have to try. My own carelessness and lazy disposition ruined the piece. Because I was so neglectful in my work I'm not sure that I can fix it at this point.

I forgot for a while to use all of the techniques I have learned to keep my interest in my work. I didn't practice the distractions that I normally do to keep me on task. I didn't put as much care as I should have in the work, and now I look at what I have done with regret. My own apathy has brought me only sadness.

I cannot let my weaknesses get the upperhand in my work. When I let myself fall into these traps I only have myself to blame. I have the skill, I have the knowledge, and I have the ability to do the work that I intend to do. I just need to be sure, before I start, that I am not wasting any of that potential by being laszy or neglectful in any aspect.

Thursday, September 4, 2014

Admiring Others

I often get so caught up in my own world of work that I fail to notice, let alone appreciate the work of others. Everybody works. Everyone is creative. All work of any kind can be considered art. I don't really think it matters what you do, the fact that you do something is creative, constructive and in its own way artistic.

There is beauty in a job well done. It was odd really, how I started to notice the wonderful work of others. I like to look all around when I go walking daily. I like to look at the things that most people don't. Up in the sky, at the slatting of the fences, the cracks in the sidewalk. I like to notice the things that change from day to day and see how it affects the things that are constant.

Looking up this week I noticed the beauty of power lines. These are things people try to ignore, or accuse them of being eyesores. They never stop to consider that they are beautiful in a way. These long thin lines, held up by the sturdy poles. The wires expertly looped and twisted around the metal structures and housings. The skill and organization used is a monument to the creative and artistic work of all the people who spent their time to put it there. Every piece made to function properly, but also beautifully represents someone's hard work.

After realizing the fact that the power lines were not just the things that brought me electricity, but sculptural masterpiece of a community of people's work, it made me think about all of the things that surround us. They are all pieces of art too. Someone not only invented a solution to some problem, but also designed it to be beautiful.

Though making things beautiful was not necessarily their first priority, the end results were in their own way beautiful. Making something well is wonderful. I need to be more mindful and respectful in the future of the great work that others have created, and influence my daily life.